Category Archives: Business Etiquette

Are the Rules of Etiquette Outdated?

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I just finished reading an article on wedding etiquette that has my pulse racing and my blood pressure rising. The impetus for the article was wedding attire—specifically, is it acceptable for wedding quests to wear white?  It should come as no surprise that this was celebrity driven. It seems that Jennifer Lopez invited all her guests to wear white to the ceremony. I have no problem with that. It was her wedding so it was her choice.

The other issue involved Dua Lipa who wore white to the wedding of fashion designer Simon Porte Jacquemus and his partner, Marco Maestri. It was reported that jaws dropped over Dua’s all-white attire. It has long been believed that it is inappropriate for guests to wear white to a wedding out of respect for the bride.  

In another online article I read about the brouhaha created when the sister-in-law of the bride wore a white top to the wedding. In the wedding pictures the affronted bride photo shopped the sister-in-law’s top so she did not appear to be competing with the bride by wearing white. I can’t imagine how that family relationship will play out.

Family feuds aside, it is now back to the question of should you, could you or would you wear white to a wedding?  One lifestyle and etiquette expert was quoted as saying that the two stars were simply being fashion forward. She cheered the fact that people now feel free to push the boundaries. Does that mean that we should throw all caution to the wind and from now on behave as we like?

Are the rules of etiquette outdated? Those of you who have followed me for years know that my mantra is “It’s not about the rules; it’s about the relationships.” There are definitely rules of etiquette, but those rules are not set in stone. They are, to be more realistic, set in sand. They evolve over the years. I could go on by citing examples, but you could no doubt match me.

Etiquette and manners exist to make life comfortable for everyone. We follow certain rules of behavior out of respect and consideration for those around us. When we decide to break with tradition, it is important to think how our decision affects others. In the case of the sister-in-law who wore white to the wedding because she wanted to, she was not being considerate of the bride. Her action put a stain on a day that is one of the most special in someone’s life.

Before you decide to push the boundaries and exercise your right to behave as you wish, think about how your actions might affect others. Ask yourself, “Am I being kind, considerate and respectful?”  The rules of dress may change, but kindness, courtesy and respect never go out of fashion.

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Did Covid Kill Our Conversation Skills?

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It has now been over two years since we experienced our initial “stay-at-home” mandates because of Covid-19. California was the first to issue such an order on March 19, 2020. One by one most states fell in line, and our lives changed forever. Who could have predicted how different our professional and personal lives would be in two and a half years?

One thing that has stood out for me has been the loss of our conversation skills. Covid kept us more than six feet apart. The Internet became our primary means of communication. While Zoom, FaceTime and other online platforms allowed us to see each other’s faces, they did not offer the kind of connection we had when we were in the same room or space with others.

We grew so accustomed to being apart that rather than pick up the phone, we texted or messaged. Talking directly to someone else was uncomfortable. When we received an invitation to an event or an in-person meeting, we tried to find reasons not to go. What? Get out of our comfy stay-at-home clothes? Dress up? Go out in public and converse face-to-face with other human beings? It was almost unthinkable.

The time has come to leave our safe home environment and re-engage with others. That not only means re-learning how to talk to our co-workers but also how to manage conversations with our clients and connections outside the office. Remember business meals and networking events? Engaging with others is necessary in the business world if you want to build relationships and grow your bottom line. This is a suitable time to revisit the art of conversation.

Conversation is much like a tennis match where the ball goes back and forth from one person to the other. It is a balance of talking and listening. It’s the practice of asking questions, paying attention to the responses and building on them. Conversation is the act of showing interest in other people so let them talk. The person who speaks less and listens more is considered a good conversationalist and an interesting person.

Your conversation skills may be rusty, but you have not lost them. Take advantage of every opportunity to engage with others in this new environment. There are good questions you can ask to get a post-pandemic conversation flowing.

Ask:

  1. What did people do to survive staying at home?
  2. What was the most challenging part of working from home?
  3. What did they like the best about working on their own?
  4. How did Covid affect their lives personally and professionally?
  5. How do they feel about going back to the office?
  6. What do they believe are the advantages and disadvantages of both situations?

You get the picture.

Sometimes making conversation feels like work, but you are trying to establish relationships, grow your business and be more profitable. Being a good conversationalist is part of the job.

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Flying the American Flag

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Did you know that today, June 14th, is Flag Day? If you are planning on flying the American flag, what better time to review our flag etiquette? For those who have served or are serving in our military, flag etiquette is second nature. For the rest of us, the do’s and don’ts are not so well-known. If you are among those eager to fly “Old Glory”, no doubt you want to do it correctly and avoid anything that is disrespectful of our stars and stripes.

The American Legion established the standards of flag etiquette under what is known as the United States Flag Code. Compliance is not mandatory. It is voluntary and strongly suggested. I have chosen to offer the best practices for respectfully caring for and displaying your flag.

Displaying the Flag.

The flag is displayed from sunrise to sunset on buildings and outdoor flagstaffs. It may only be displayed 24 hours a day if it is illuminated during the hours of darkness. If you are flying the flag on the front of your house, you need not run out and purchase a spotlight. Just leave your porch light on.

Pay attention to the position of the union—the blue background with white stars symbolizes the union of the states. The union should be at the peak of the staff when projecting horizontally, at an angle from a windowsill or the front of a building. When displayed against a wall or in a window, the union should be uppermost and to the flag’s right—that would be to the observer’s left.

The flag should not be flown in inclement weather unless you have an all-weather flag, one made of nylon, polyester or other treated material.

The flag is never displayed with the union down except as a signal of extreme distress meaning danger to life or property.

Respecting the Flag

Flags should not be displayed over any part of a vehicle, train or boat unless they are affixed to a staff. Neither the flag nor any part of it should be used for apparel, bedding, drapery, or as part of a costume or uniform. The exception is using it as a flag patch on the uniform of military personnel, firemen and policemen.

No items that are intended for temporary use should be decorated with the flag. That means that the flag should not be embroidered, embossed or printed on cushions (please, don’t sit on the flag), napkins, boxes, bags or anything else that will be discarded.

Disposing of the Flag

Torn or tattered flags are not appropriate for display and ought to be destroyed respectfully. According to the code of respect, this should be done by burning. Organizations such as the American Legion, Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts regularly retire flags. There is no need to start your own bonfire.

The flag as wearing apparel

The line in the flag code that causes the greatest confusion is the one that states that the flag should not be used for apparel. That begs the question “Is it permissible to wear an item of clothing that looks like the United States flag?” The answer from the American Legion is “Unless an article of clothing is made from an actual United States flag, there is NO breach of flag etiquette whatsoever. People are simply expressing their patriotism and love of their country by wearing an article of clothing that happens to be red, white, and blue with stars and stripes. There is nothing illegal about the wearing or use of these items.”

For those of you celebrating Flag Day by wearing your red, white and blue face mask to honor our country and respect the health of your fellow citizens, have at it. It’s acceptable.

Leave a reply This entry was originally posted in Business Etiquette, Flag Etiquette and tagged etiquette, Flag etiquette, flying the American flag on by Lydia Ramsey.

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Covid: Conversation Killer?

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It was almost two years ago to the day that we experienced our initial “stay-at-home” mandates as a result of Covid-19. California was the first to issue such an order on March 19, 2020. One by one most states fell in line, and our lives changed forever. Who could have predicted how different our professional and personal lives would be in just two years?

One thing that has stood out for me has been the loss of our conversation skills. Covid has kept us more than six feet apart. The Internet has become our primary means of communication. While Zoom, FaceTime and other online platforms have allowed us to see each other’s faces, they do not offer the kind of connection we have when we are in the same room or space with others.

We are so accustomed to being apart that rather than pick up the phone, we text. Talking directly to someone else is uncomfortable. When we receive an invitation to an event or an in-person meeting, we try to find reasons not to go. The barriers to one-on-one conversation keep building.

Engaging with others is a must in the business world if you want to build relationships with clients and colleagues. This might be the time to revisit the do’s and don’ts of the art of conversation.

The Conversation Creator

Like so much in life, good conversation is a matter of maintaining balance. It is a blend of speaking and listening. Paying attention to and following up on what other people are saying is crucial to keeping a natural flow.

The person who speaks less and listens more is a “Conversation Creator.”  The Creator remembers starter words like “who,” “what,” “when,” “why,” and “how.” The best phrase of all in conversation is “tell me about ….”

The Conversation Killer

On the other hand, people with the best intentions can kill a conversation without realizing it. There are a few classic types who have earned the title “Conversation Killer.” Try not to land on this list.

The Bore: The person who talks on and on about himself and shows no interest in others.

The Interrogator:  The person who read that asking questions is the secret to good dialogue so that is all he does until he has worn the other person down to a nub.

The Interrupter:  The person who does not take time to hear you out. Instead, he continually jumps in to finish your sentences. Pauses make the interrupter uncomfortable.

The Advisor:  The person who feels obligated to give advice on whatever you say even though you never asked for it. Keep your opinions to yourself unless you hear, “What would you do?” or “What do you think?”

Chatty Cathy: The person who talks way too much. She does not realize that people seldom regret what they left unsaid.

Your conversation skills may be rusty, but you have not lost them. Take advantage of every opportunity to engage with others in this new world. There are good questions you can ask to get a post-pandemic conversation flowing. Ask what people did to survive stay-at-home. Ask what the most challenging part of working from home was. Ask what they liked the best working on their own. Ask how Covid has affected their lives. You get the picture.

Sometimes making conversation feels like work, but you are trying to establish relationships, grow your business and be more profitable. Being a conversation creator is part of the job.

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Airplane Etiquette: Flying the Not-So-Friendly Skies

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You may remember a time when plane travel was something you enjoyed. Airplane etiquette prevailed. People dressed appropriately. Passengers didn’t bite, claw and scratch their way through lines. Seats were spacious and comfortable. Flight attendants were friendly. Airlines served real food. There were skycaps to help you with your luggage, which arrived at your destination when you did.

The “good ole days” are long gone. Flying has become an ordeal. We worry if our flight will be on time, if we will make our connections, if we will ever see our luggage again, if our flight will be canceled or worse yet we worry that there will be one of those out-of-control unruly passengers on our flight.

About 4.2 million travelers are expected to fly during this holiday season. The majority will happily be looking forward to spending the holidays with family and friends. Sadly, a few of them will be in something akin to combat mode. You can’t control what others do, but you can control your own behavior. Let me suggest ten rules of flying etiquette that, when observed by all, could transform the travel experience.

Pack your patience and good manners. If things go awry, be ready to take it in stride.

Don’t hog the overhead bin. Although you are allowed one carry-on plus a handbag or laptop bag, you should only put one of those in the overhead.

Middle seat gets the armrest. That seems fair since the people on either side can lean right or left for more room.

Be considerate when reclining your seat. Notice if the person behind you is using the tray table and alert them that you plan to recline so neither their laptop nor snack ends up in their lap.

Resist the urge to chat. Everyone should acknowledge their seatmates with a smile and a greeting. Once you do, you’re done. Let your seatmate fly in peace.

Don’t be a jack-in-the-box. That’s the passenger who hops up and down during the flight, crawling over everyone in their path.

Control your kids. Noisy, whiny, loud children ruin the flight for everyone except the parents—or so it seems. Anyone who has ever had the child behind them kick their seat understands the urge to kill.

Move as quickly as you can through the security line. Be prepared to remove your shoes, take out your laptop and toiletries and shed your jacket or sweater. Don’t wait until the last minute when you place your carry-on bag on the conveyor belt.

Be considerate of people with close connections when the flight has landed. How often have you heard a flight attendant on a late-arriving flight request that people with time to spare remain in their seats and let others with close connections disembark first? Few people honor that request.

Wear your mask as required. We are still in the midst of a pandemic. The airlines did not come up with the rule so don’t take out your frustration on the flight attendants.

Good manners won’t make planes any less crowded, seats any more comfortable or security checks any less stressful; but they can help you and your fellow passengers arrive at your destinations in a much better frame of mind—ready to enjoy the holidays.

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Covid Kindness

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“These are the times that try men’s souls” or so it seems. As we struggle to live with Covid and all that has changed about the way we live our lives, we tend to wonder, “Where have all the good times gone?” They are still with us. Even though I have identified a behavior that I call “Covid Cranky,” I can’t help but be heartened by another which is “Covid Kindness.” I experienced an example of that today.

It has been a completely miserable chilly, rainy and windy day here in normally sunny Savannah. As one who does not enjoy the obligatory trip to the grocery store under the best of circumstances, I particularly dislike it in bad weather. I might have survived without going out, but my two elderly cats let me know we were low on their favorite cat food. They rule so out I went.

Mercifully, it stopped raining just as I arrived at the store. I had my umbrella with me. Thank goodness. When I started to leave, the rain began to come down with a vengeance. I opened my pitifully small umbrella and with an overflowing cart made my way through the parking lot where the water was already puddling.

As I approached my car, a woman coming toward me smiled through the downpour and asked, “May I help you with that?” I need to point out that she had neither an umbrella nor a raincoat. I thanked her and said I would be fine. She was determined and refused to take no for an answer. Not only did she help me load the groceries into my car, but she also insisted on holding the tiny umbrella over my head.

When we finished, I tried to give her my umbrella assuring her that I had others at home. She would not hear of it. Thoroughly dampened, she set off through the pouring rain toward the store.

I have no idea who she was. I doubt I will ever see her again, but I will never forget her. The simple act of kindness from a perfect stranger made my day. The rain continues to fall, but nothing can dampen my spirits because of the humble act of a perfect stranger.

Will you be the kind stranger in someone’s life at the next opportunity? At a time when we are feeling more stress and anxiety in our daily lives, reaching out to another human being can make a world of difference in how we feel and how we make others feel.

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Covidiquette: Etiquette in the Time of Covid

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Is it Covidiquette or Pandemiquette? Whatever we call it, we are struggling to figure out the new rules of etiquette and manners so that we remain courteous and polite during these trying times. In a recent article, I wrote about “Covid Cranky,” a condition that, like it or not, has infected every one of us.

I stepped up and confessed that I have suffered from “Covid Cranky”. In the last two years, I have said and done things that seem completely out of character and certainly not worthy of someone who professes to be an “expert” on manners and etiquette.

When I have noticed this behavior in others, I have assumed these people were cranky and rude by nature and acted that way pre-Covid. However, through my own informal research into this phenomenon, I have discovered that this is not limited to those born cranky. Friends and colleagues, who are generally kind and courteous, have confessed to these uncharacteristic behaviors as well. They have found themselves being rude to people online and using the anonymity of the Internet to say things they would previously have kept to themselves.  They have lashed out at people over the phone and even abruptly hung up on a few.

What is it about the pandemic that has made us act in such uncivilized ways?

  • Have we been cooped up so long that we have forgotten how to act in the real world?
  • Do our masks give us license to act anonymously?
  • Are we tired of being told what we can and cannot do?
  • Is rarely being able to talk to a live person causing frustration?
  • Do we long to see smiling faces?
  • Is our patience wearing thin trying to keep up with the ever-changing rules?

It may be some or all the above plus more. You could add to this list, I am sure.

So, what can we do? As always, we cannot control the behavior of others. When we encounter rude or difficult people, we can:

  • Try not to mimic their conduct.
  • Honor the preferences of others and not be judgmental about their choices.
  • Step back and consider what might be going on in their lives to spark this behavior.
  • Protect ourselves when we feel threatened but do so graciously.
  • Consider the effect of our actions or words on others.
  • Ask ourselves if we are treating others as we would like to be treated.

It is not hard to be nice. It takes less energy than being combative. So, before you turn on your computer, pick up the phone or go out into the world, put down your sword and shield. Instead, put a smile on your masked face and generosity in your spirit. I promise to do the same.

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Vaccination

Is It Rude to Ask If Someone Has Been Vaccinated?

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At the time of writing this article, it appears that Covid-19 infections and hospitalizations are on the decline, but we are still not out of the woods. At least 50 percent of U.S. adults have been fully vaccinated. That leaves a high number of people who are either reluctant or who are adamantly opposed. For a variety of reasons, we are operating in a world where we don’t know who has had the vaccine and who has not. Depending on the situation, there may be a need to know. That, of course, raises questions about when it is appropriate to ask if someone has been vaccinated and how do you ask?

In the workplace

One place where there is less of a dilemma about asking is the workplace. A growing number of employers are requiring that their employees be vaccinated; thus, the need to ask. These places might be independent businesses or governmental ones. If employees do not wish to comply, that’s their choice. In other instances when employers are struggling to find workers, they choose not to ask. Generally, these employers strive to follow as closely as possible all the safety guidelines to protect their customers and staff.

In your own home

If you are having guests in your home, it’s perfectly acceptable to inquire. You might need to know for your own safety or for that of other guests. The decision is yours. You have no way of knowing about vaccination status unless you pose the question.

When to ask

Pose the question before someone arrives at your home. How rude would you be if you waited until people arrived? Then you are putting yourself in the position of un-inviting someone on the spot or asking them to put on a mask. Chances are neither option would have a pleasant outcome.

 How to ask

Lead with why you are asking. You may be immunocompromised or have someone in your family or guest list who is. If you are hosting a number of people indoors, you may feel it’s prudent to protect all who are in attendance. You may be fully vaccinated with both shots and the booster but not willing to test the waters of a breakthrough to see if it’s true that you are not likely to get a bad case of the virus or die from it.

When it’s not okay to ask

It’s not okay when you are:

  • Simply nosey
  • Want to start a debate about “vaxxed vs non-vaxxed”

These are difficult times. People are frightened and edgy. Everybody is somewhat Covid Cranky. We all need to do whatever we can to make people feel comfortable and safe. If there was a time to show kindness, courtesy and respect for others, this is it.

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Tipping for Takeout – The Latest Etiquette Dilemma

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Are you confused about tipping for takeout? It’s the latest dilemma facing diners. Just when you thought you had it straight and knew the rules for adding a15%, 18% or 20% gratuity to your bill, now you are challenged by what to add or if to add when you order takeout.  There is a mega controversy swirling around the topic.

One more thing we can blame on Covid. Pre-Covid takeout was no big deal. In struggling to keep their doors open, restaurants began the practice of offering food to go. Some decided to offer curbside pickup so customers could remain in their vehicles. This practice remains in place today in spite of the relaxation of some Covid protocols.

So, if you have ordered takeout—where you go into the restaurant and pick up your order at the counter—do you need to tip? If so, whom do you tip? How much should you tip?

At this point, I am tempted to jump in with my opinion and close the subject. But you probably need to hear the opinions of others. I’ve done my research and found that, as usual, everyone has an opinion and not all agree.

There are those who think if all someone does is hand you a paper bag over the counter, there is no need to tip. There are others who believe that the person who hands you the bag should be tipped. Why? Because it is generally known that restaurant owners pay their staff below minimum wage. Their customers are expected to tip to make up for the difference. As one person wrote, “So I am expected to pay the employer and the employee?” Interesting point.

I confess to being baffled. I don’t want to appear to be the 21st-century version of Ebenezer Scrooge, but I don’t get tipping for takeout. Think about it. We have been using the drive-through lane at fast-food chains for years without giving one thought to tipping that person handing you your food through the window.

And please don’t ask me before you give me my order if I want to tip. That’s not only inappropriate, but it’s also awkward and embarrassing.

If an employee brings my order to me curbside, that warrants a tip. I tip more if they have to troop through inclement weather to do so.

I believe that etiquette is always about being kind, courteous and respectful. In the case of tipping for takeout, here’s my advice. Do what feels right to you. Every situation is different so you may tip on some occasions and not on others. It’s entirely up to you.

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Covid Cranky—Confessions from the Heart

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Is there anyone who has not experienced what I call “Covid Cranky”? Whether it has been in person, online or over the phone, I am willing to bet you can relate. Covid cranky exists in all aspects of our daily lives. Sadly, it has become such an everyday occurrence that I find myself bracing for it. Whether I pick up the phone, open my email or head out on a simple errand, I am like a knight going into battle, armed with my sword and shield.

What a sad state of affairs. This is not how we should be living our lives. We no longer “plan for the worst and hope for the best.” We plan for the worst and expect the worst.

Let me stop here and confess that I find myself becoming one of the Covid Cranky. Pre-Covid I gave myself credit for being a “nice” person. I have made a career out of being kind and courteous. Sadly, “niceness” is becoming history. I prepare for battle every day.

Do you do that? Are you preparing for the worst and expecting the worst? If you are willing to admit to it, what are you willing to do about it? I had to ask myself that same question. Do I want to end every day counting the notches on my belt of those I have taken out along the way?

Amid my introspective dilemma, I had an unexpected experience with a customer service rep. The company was Instacart. I had been offered a discount for placing an order with them. It seemed like a good idea so I gave it a try. When I completed my order and received my receipt, there was no discount. What to do? Contact Instacart? Good luck, I thought. I bet they don’t even have a phone number. To my surprise they do. I called prepared for the worst.

To my delight and amazement, the man on the other end of the line was pleasant from the start. After listening to my issue, he immediately offered up how he could help. His solution involved some technology steps that I was unable to manage. No problem…he said he’d go behind the scenes and hit a few buttons. It didn’t take long before he returned to say that he had resolved the problem and I would immediately see the discount applied to my account.

Whew! That was easy. I was happy. But it was not over yet. His next words were, “Have I made you happy? Have I made you smile today?” I wasn’t smiling. I was grinning. When was the last time someone has asked you if they made you smile today?

We seem to have forgotten how important it is to make people smile and to make them happy. I am still blown away by this act of courtesy. And, yes, I am still smiling.

What if we all focus on how to make people smile? It doesn’t take much beyond an attitude of helpfulness and intention.

I am reminded of the Jimmy Buffet song “It’s my Job”. This rep at Instacart understood that it was his job to be better than the rest. Hopefully, it made his day, as well as mine, better than the rest.

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